Much like my former article outlining the best ways to become a fat, physical mess, this article outlines some of the best ways to become injured while you train. Although to some the sarcastic tone of such writings is a turn off, I have found it to be a very good educational approach and one that gets the point across pretty well.
So if you really want to injure yourself while training or working out, make sure you do some or all of what is listed below. Chances are, you are doing some of these things anyway. (By the way, if you want to stay healthy, please avoid all of the list below).
10 Ways to Injure Yourself while Training:
10. What ever you do, DO NOT warm up at all before you lift weights. Go into the gym and your session cold, and attempt no warm up. But, if you insist, load up the bar with only 30% of what you are going to lift and push through that for a few reps. That’s the most you should do. (If you need any guidance in doing this correctly, just go to your local gym and watch for the guys in the extra tight wife-beaters. Scope them out and follow their programming. No warm up, just 18 sets of extremely heavy weight. )
9. Perform squats with a lot of weight on the bar while not being strong enough to even squat you own body weight correctly. How do you know when you are doing this correctly? Your back will be flexed on the way down in a very dangerous position, and your knees will start to bend inward (note: Knees are never supposed to bend inward), and each end of the bar will move up and down as you struggle to get to a starting position. OH yea, you won’t even get close to a 90 degree range of motion because you know you won’t be able to get back up.
8. When you are finished with number 9 from above, add more weight and do it again!!!
7. Perform HEAVY or even not so heavy lat pull downs, behind your neck. Make sure you have an unusually wide grip and put maximum external rotation torque on your shoulders. Do multiple sets. If you shoulders hurt, by all means, increase the weight.
6. Grab a 25-35 pound plate and hold it to your chest while you do 3 sets of 10 hyper-extensions for your low back. Go up as far as you can and all the way back down so your head is close to the floor. Even when your back is screaming in pain and tightness, keep doing them. Your back must be weak, so that is why it hurts, right? More is better here too!
5. Perform walking, dynamic lunges with weights in your hands, while bending your waist forward so all of the weight is distributed over your knees. Keep lunging even though you struggle just to stay upright because you lack the balance to do one lunge correctly without weight. If your knees hurt during and/or after, you are doing them right!
4. Load the leg press machine with as many 45’s that you can find. After all, you CAN do it with all of these 45’s, so you must be strong. That’s a lot of weight after all. Just look at it. It’s impressive. Even though you can’t properly squat over 250 pounds and your doctor has advised you NOT to squat because it is bad for you back, do leg presses instead. The loaded and flexed position on your low back will do it wonders.
3. Make sure you lift heavy every single day. Don’t take a day off, and never change up your set/rep routine. Keep lifting and keep adding weight, no matter what. Do this routine for the next 4 months, only taking Saturday and Sunday off. After all, those are your drinking days.
2. Run on the treadmill for 45 minutes in the same shoes you wear around the house and everywhere else. Don’t worry about your shins, or feet hurting. After all, that is normal. Keep running for 45 minutes plus each day. Why not? You should be losing tons of fat right? Its been working so far hasn’t it? Its also great for your feet, shins, knees, and low back.
1. Hire a personal trainer at your local gym, and do all of the same stuff I already mentioned above with your new, expert personal trainer…AND feel good about doing all of it, because after all he/she is an expert right?